Forgiving Me

Lord thank You for getting me through this week, without hurt, harm or danger.  Thank You for allowing me to get up every morning with my mind on You.  Grateful that You gave me strength to do my day to day in a manner that pleased You. I know I fell short sometimes so I ask for forgiveness.  Amen

I continue to prepare myself to offer my inventory next week.  I expect it to be a cleansing experience and one of forgiveness.  To openly be transparent with folks I don’t know is humbling and scary.  I trust that God will give me the courage to do this step of my recover.  I went to the group for one thing and now Lord I am exposing it all.  Now I see now my clients feel when I say to them as their therapist, “come on, get it out, where we can work on it” “it will free you” “you will feel better” “we can help you if we know what it is you are struggling with” “let it go”.  For 17 years as a therapist I have encouraged young people to do what I am struggling with at 52.  This process is critical from a human behavior standpoint and it is biblical.  I am pleased to know my work coincides with the word.  Now that makes it a little easier, but REALLY J 

My past is my past and I keep these things neatly packaged in a place in my heart.  Sometimes not so neatly packaged because my character flaws stem from the early stuff.  My shame lingers and hovers over me on a daily.  It will be good to set it free and be freed from this bondage.  I never look my abuser to this day in the eyes and I rather ever give men direct eye contact.  I was made to feel USED by the hands of my abuser, for his pleasure his experiment, his fantasy so I don’t feel worthy, worthy of a loving, caring man:woman relationship.  My first sexual encounter was wrong so I have to relearn God’s meaning.  Every relationship since then has been crazy; now clearing knowing the beauty of  relationships.  For the past several years sex has not been a part of my life this has allowed me to see life clearly without sex being in the way.  All along I have been healing and didn’t really realize it like this.  This is deep ! 

I want to walk in forgiveness, I do believe I have forgiven my abuser.  But I must forgive myself so that I can walk more clearly in the beauty of God.  I continue to free myself from my food addiction and it has been a worthwhile journey.  So here I go on another journey.  It is all worth it because I know God has me in a place in which He is working on me and using me. To God be the Glory. 

Weekend:  Friday – Grocery store then Dinner at Aladdin

                  Saturday – Seed Team, Clean my house, power walk Euclid Creek

                              Run some errands

                  Sunday – NCBF,  or Seed Team (if I didn’t go Saturday)

                                        possible dinner with friends

                                       Clean house if I didn’t do it Saturday LOL  LOL  LOL

Beauty: Allowing God to reveal to me who I am and how HE plans to use me.  Asking God to correct my character flaws so that he can better use me.  Doing these things will make me so much more beautiful of a lady.