Relationship Night

God can Heal the broken Heart 

Lord forgive me for things that I do that are not of You.  Forgive me for not trusting You.  Forgive me for feeling down when I should be praising Your name.  Lord I want to be consistent in what I do.  I need this, Lord allow me to be satisfied with who I am, allow me to know that I am beautiful in Your eyes Lord.  Love on me Lord !  I know You love me but sometimes I don’t love myself. 

My weekend was fabulous !  To start, Relationship Night was so on point.  I took a guest with me which was a special blessing.  The word is so important that I want others to be blessed by it.  On the ride to Relationship Night we discussed relationship and I shared with her something of importance to me regarding men.  I gave her details about how I feel about me being in a man/woman relationship.  I said things like, I don’t have time, I’m scared to open my heart”.  Typical things women thing about when they have been in hurtful relationships.  Well wouldn’t you know the Pastor Jeff from Way of Life, zeroed right into our conversation, it was as if he was in the car with us.  God has me in these teachings for a reason.  He is preparing me for a relationship, Yeah.  He taught in the book of Genesis and in the book of Solomon  7, taught us how a man of God should see his woman/wife and that a man should consider woman as a gift from God.  He said a man of God should see his woman as a woman of character and in doing so he will love on her in a Godly manner.  He also said a man should make a woman better than when he met her. (paraphrasing).  The word was so moving.  Others from NCBF came out for the first time too, it was a nice night out.  When Boaz approaching, Lord’s will we will be at Relationship Night as a date night. LOL  For real we need this type of teaching.

Oh yes, on Friday afternoon, I went to a Grief and Loss seminar hosted by Beech Brook.  It was a good training done by a very kind hearted former Beech Brook employee.  She was supportive to me while I suffered my loses.  Grief is a continuous process, never ending.  She touched on this and I confirmed it in my heart.  There is not a day that I do not think about my mother and son.  Sometimes all day.  I have gotten to the acceptance phase in my grieving which is somewhat healthy for me.  I think about my mother is such a positive way that I carry her around with me all the time.  She is with me in a good way.  My son is with me daily also.  It is more difficult to deal with his loss but I deal with it.  God has been good to me in this way.  I slip into depression if I linger on him too much.  So I have to be careful how I think about Chris.  I had prepared mentally for my mother’s passing since I was a child.  That had always been my worst nightmare.  When she was sick I was emotionally drained and physically a mess, I tried everything to save her and get her the help she needed.  She was tired so I had to let her go.  I did not want to continue to see her weak and in pain.  I knew she was ready when she told me she was ready because I knew in my heart she didn’t want to leave me.  So if she had reached that level of suffering I knew she was ready and that I could not be selfish and hold on.  But Chris, that’s a whole nether situation. 

Watching my mother die daily, caused me to eat uncontrollably.  I often thank God that I was not an alcoholic or a drug addict.  I would have over doses for sure.  Then I realized food could kill me too.  I had begun to feel tightness in my chest, tiring easy, it was not good.  I hated myself and thought of taking myself out of my misery on a few occasions.  I loved my daughter and grandson too much for this.  It would have ruined my daughter taken her right over the edge.  I needed to be here to help with my grandson and share his father’s memory.  So I stayed but continued to over eat.  I knew God was always with me so I reached out to Him and decided to live. 

I am so grateful to God for saving me and allowing me to rededicate my life to Him.  I have a different relationship with God now.  Through my brokenness I learned so much more about God and his grace and mercy. 

Saturday, morning a attended a worship “out of the box, stepping out of the comfort zone”, very inspirational and caused me to think about things differently.  Thinking about what would happen if I move verses what could happen if I choose not to move.  The advantages out weighted the disadvantages.  I want the project to sincerely benefit others and I have to trust God and know that he has set things up to do just that.  I cannot worry about being embarrassed, fear of failure, these are things that say I don’t trust God.  I have to be open to share. 

Sunday, I did not attend church.  Couldn’t move !  Stuck !  I get like this sometimes.  I have asked forgiveness in this area of my life.  I know it is the enemy and I allowed him to win.  I will continue to pray in this area.  Ariel and Jayden went to NCBF and after church Ariel and Jayden stopped by.  As I was taking off his coat, he said “I got a new shirt”.  I know, I know !  But it amazes me how children just begin to use words and communicate.  Jayden stayed with me for a few hours, it was good, we read books, played with stickers, ate dinner and he even took a nap. He is really potty trained, he told me 3 times he had to use the bathroom J  We had popcorn as a snack as I do, he told me he wanted some more.  When his mother came he told her “I want to stay with grandma”.  I think he knows I like to hear this type of talk, he smiled and went on with his mama.  He is something else.  It is so different having him over as a visitor verses living with me.

Beauty:  On Saturday after the morning workshop which was in Solon, I drove over to Aurora Farms and went in the CCO.  They had Bobbi Brown, Mac, Clinique, Este Lauder and Smashbox. They did not carry my foundation match NW 45.  I almost got a Bobbi Brown cream foundation, but decided against it.  I did pick up a Mac Lipstick Stain ‘Purposely Red’ which is nice.  I also got a brown lip liner. 

Food:  I ate ok this weekend, except for Saturday at a baby shower.  I was able to get back on track.  Saturday morning my workshop on “out of the box” was at Panera and I absolutely love their sticky buns.  I did not have anything like that, I ordered coffee and went and sat myself down and enjoyed the meeting.  My Sunday dinner was good and nutrition; pork rib, potatoes, corn on the cob, veggie.  I packed a nutrious lunch for today and I will be drinking water.

Exercise:  I will be incorporating my treadmill into my workout.  My foot is improving to the point where I can walk slowly on my treadmill.  Exercise gives me a feeling of accomplishment and success and I got to get it in.  Exercise is a part of me now.  Saturday I as I drove around the city I saw people, jogging and walking and I knew I would have been out there if I was not injured.  So I will be cranking up the treadmill.  I will pray that God will protect me.

Way too long, but I needed to get a lot out of my system.  

Coming Events :  Film festival, Minister Davis, gogirlgone lauch, Seed Team, Steve Harvey Movie (friday night), guest blogger on gonegirlgo